


The Last Time

by kaneki_vampire



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Death, Gen, Panic Attacks, Regret, last night - Freeform, pre requeim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 11:49:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15170123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaneki_vampire/pseuds/kaneki_vampire
Summary: Lelouch vi Britannia will die tomorrow. He is tired and scared and despite everything when it comes down to it he doesn't want to die. He has one last night and he will spend it alone, the way all tyrants should spend their last moments.





	The Last Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [1thousandminus7](https://archiveofourown.org/users/1thousandminus7/gifts).



> Thank you to 1thousandminus7 for beta reading this - you are a saint. 
> 
> If anyone wants any other scenes like this let me know in the comments! I'm feeling the angst at the moment!!

Lelouch was exhausted. Requiem was tomorrow, months of planning culminating in the end of his life. CC was gone, Suzaku hated him and the few others who knew were executing their parts of the plan. He was completely alone.

Lelouch normally didn’t mind being alone- in fact he favoured it and enjoyed the time to himself - but tonight the silence was deafening. He hadn’t taken a moment to stop since the plan began and he first sat on the Emperor’s throne. He hadn’t _wanted_ to stop. If he stopped he had time to think, to dwell on his decisions and actions. He couldn’t deny that part of him genuinely wanted to die, to have it all be over with, no more meetings, no more expectations, no nothing. He wondered how the others had felt when they died… he’d certainly seen enough death, caused enough of it. There was something about it though, the way that Shirley and Rolo had died that had seemed almost peaceful, and a part of Lelouch yearned for that peace. Regardless, if there was a life after death he certainly wasn’t going anywhere nice and he wouldn’t see either of them again, that’s for certain – they would be somewhere a lot nicer, somewhere for people who’d sacrificed themselves for a loved one. Right now, Lelouch felt extremely underserving of that sacrifice.

He couldn’t help but feel bitter. Nobody would ever know what he’d actually done or why. Nobody _could_ know. The hatred of the entire world sat on him like the weight of the sky, he could see it in his face when he looked in the mirror. He was jaded and exhausted, fuelled only by the desire to make something worthy out of his life and even though she’d never know, make Nunnally’s world a gentler place. Lelouch shut the door to his room with a bang that sounded all too final. It would be the last time he shut that door to go to bed. It would be the last time he went to bed. He felt his back hit the door and he couldn’t stop the tears from pricking at his eyes. No matter what he said or how well he acted like he didn’t care, he was scared. He brought a hand up to his mouth to stop the cry that wanted to break free. He was wrung out, any energy, any life he’d had was gone from him now. His eyes looked dead and his body wasn’t all that far behind. It was a matter of hours now.

Slowly - very slowly - he undressed, replacing each article of clothing on their respective hangars and putting them away next to the Zero costume he kept tucked away in the back of his wardrobe. It was the last time he’d do that. The last time he would take off his clothes for the day in preparation for bed. The next time he was undressed it would be for his funeral. Tomorrow those clothes would be stained in blood. The thought sent a tremor through him and he paused, leaning his head against the wardrobe door. He had to stay strong, he couldn’t break down now.

Except he could. Nobody was here, nobody would ever know. It was his last chance, after tonight he would never get the chance to break down again. He would never cry again, laugh again, smile with his friends again. He let out a half-choked sob before quashing it firmly. No. He would not cry. The Demon Emperor did not cry. But at that moment he wasn’t The Demon Emperor anymore, he didn’t have to be. He was just Lelouch, and Lelouch could cry. The tears that rolled down his face felt foreign to him, like something that was happening very far away. Eventually he managed to change into his bedclothes, throwing the laundry in the basket. It was the least he could do. Someone would come in here when he was dead and have to deal with his room. He didn’t want to leave a bigger mess than he was already going to. He wanted someone to remember him fondly, even if it was just the laundry lady because he’d not left his clothes on the floor.

The thought made him laugh and he savoured it, that could well be the last time he would ever laugh. Ironically the thought made him stop laughing. Lelouch felt broken, he’d given everything he had and many things that were not his to give. Suzaku was giving up his life for this plan as well. Even if he’d technically still be breathing, Kururugi Suzaku would no longer exist. In some ways Lelouch had the easier way out, he didn’t have to watch the fallout. Didn’t have to see the celebrations. Some part of him really hoped that Suzaku wouldn’t join in, that somewhere deep down he would mourn Lelouch. It was probably wishful thinking, but he hoped it wouldn’t be easy for Suzaku, stabbing him. He hoped it would make him feel something. He knew that despite everything Nunnally would mourn him, it was a selfish desire and one he had no right to, especially after what he’d done to her and in her name. She’d still care though, mourn him for who he had been rather than who he was now. He didn’t know what CC would think. He never could guess how she was feeling.

It was the last time he would wear these clothes, the last time he would prepare for bed. The last time he would climb under the covers. Sleep was not going to come easily. He reached over and turned out the lights for what could well also be the last time. The darkness enveloped him like a cocoon and Lelouch vi Britannia buried his head in a pillow and cried. He let himself have it, this moment of weakness. Nobody was going to know, nobody would care. The tears soaked into the fabric as sobs wracked his slight frame. He hadn’t taken care of himself – hadn’t bothered. Why would he? Dead men didn’t need food or drink. That’s what he was now, what he had been for months. A dead man living on borrowed time.

He didn’t know how long he cried for, but he savoured every second. Ironic how you never appreciate the things you take for granted every day until you are never going to get the chance to do them again. For now, for tonight, these tears were a sign he was alive. This was the last time he was going to lie in this bed. When he got out, he would never get back into it. He would never re-enter this room once he left it. The thought made him curl up tighter and he was suddenly filled with the desire to do all sorts of things. He wanted to run, he wanted to lie in the sun, he wanted to ride a horse, make origami, play chess, cook, clean, iron, smile… All things he would never be able to do again. He wanted to do them now, but he didn’t have the time or energy. Maybe he would get time tomorrow to take one last walk in the gardens that reminded him so much of his childhood before he willingly walked to his death. It was wishful thinking but Lelouch didn’t care much for practicality at the moment. It was his last night on earth and he could think what he wanted. He mourned privately in the darkness the things he would never do again and the things he never got to do in the first place. He would never see Nunnally grow up, he would never see who ended up taller – him or Suzaku, he would never have sex, never get to try a relationship. Part of him wished he’d tried with Shirley before all of this kicked off but her memory was a painful one and he didn’t dwell on it for long. He had loved her, in his own way.

He wished he’d been freer with his emotions, made friends with more people, tried new things, experience heartbreak. Maybe in another lifetime he could even have been fit. He almost laughed at the thought. There was nothing to him now. He’d always been skinny but now he was dangerously thin. Nobody had noticed and that was the way he liked it. The way he saw it he was doing the coffin bearers a service – he would not be heavy to carry. Anticipating one’s death was a strange thing. He tried to compare it with the feeling of going into battle, of knowing you could die at any moment. Therein lay the fundamental difference. Going into battle you had a chance, you could fight, you had hope. He had no hope, he wasn’t going to fight. He was doing this of his own free will. He knew how, when and where he would die. That knowledge was a dangerous thing and he couldn’t stop himself from counting down the minutes on the clock. He decided he would rather not know when he was going to die; he would rather it be random, an accident. At least then he wouldn’t have this infernal list of last times he was drawing up.

Sleep nagged at him. The persistent feeling of his body demanding rest was not one he ever normally enjoyed but this was the last time he would get to experience it and he savoured every moment. Actually, when he thought about it, it probably wouldn’t be the last time he fell asleep. He hadn’t managed longer than three hours in weeks and he had no delusions that he would sleep through this night in particular. Nevertheless, it was a possibility and he wrapped himself tightly in the blankets regardless. The palace was not cold, not in his rooms anyway, but Lelouch was shivering and chilled to the bone. It took a while, but he eventually fell asleep, his many regrets swirling in his mind.

True to his predictions, Lelouch woke up several times in the night and endured at least one panic attack. He wasn’t sure if he could class the other as a full-scale panic attack because the first one was so much worse. Strangely, or not, he savoured the experiences. Panic attacks made him feel like he was dying but in a strange twist they made him feel alive. If he could breathe he was alive, if he could panic he was alive.

When the dawn finally broke, Lelouch was awake and watching it from his balcony. It was the last time he would ever see the sunrise, ever feel the warmth of its rays on his face. He would never get sunburned again, never have to suffer the indignity of being bright pink while his friends all turned brown. He found that he missed it now. He missed his friends most of all, once the revolution started fully he had barely had time for them and he regretted that now. Dying young was bound to come with regrets but he hadn’t expected to have quite this many.

Lelouch didn’t want to die. He had wanted it before. When he thought Nunnally was dead, he could not have cared less if he died right there and then. He had lost everything. Now, to the world it looked like he had everything he could ever ask for but the truth of it was he was lonelier now than he had ever been in his life. He supposed it was fitting, fewer people to drag down with him. He just hadn’t expected it to hurt quite so much. It took a while for him to tear his eyes away from the sun and walk back into his rooms, it was the last time he would do that. He made his bed for what was probably the first time since he’d been living at the palace and would also be the last time he would ever have the chance to. He pretended it was all for the palace staff, it made it easier. He opened the wardrobe for the last time and pulled out the white outfit he’d so carefully hung up the night before. His gaze lingered on the Zero costume and he longed to put it on again but that last time had occurred a long while ago. He had no right to that now.

He dressed slowly, it was the last time he would ever dress himself and he wanted to savour it. All of these memories he was chalking up in his mind were short lived. In a few short hours there would be no Lelouch to remember any of these things. No record of this night whatsoever. When he was finally done he stood in front of the mirror and just looked at himself and for the first time he saw himself as a scared teenager. The Demon Emperor was a façade, an impressive one, but a façade none the less. Lelouch didn’t want to die as The Demon Emperor. He wanted to die with a smile, as Lelouch. It sounded stupid even to him but who was he to deny his own last wishes? He considered himself again, white really was a bad choice for a colour to die in. Or a good choice, for the effects of dramatics and the camera the blood really would show up well. He had always preferred himself in black.

He placed the letters he had written for Suzaku and Nunnally on his desk, hoping they would find them before the palace staff did. He had left instructions for both of them, advice and an apology. To Nunnally he had offered an explanation and instructions to go to Suzaku if she wanted to know more. He had tried to record a video but couldn’t stop his voice breaking for long enough to say what he wanted to. The failed recordings remained on his computer and he was sure Suzaku would find them sooner or later. Taking one last look around he shut the door to his room with a bang. With the noise he shut the door on his past, on Lelouch. The Demon Emperor left the palace. Lelouch did not look back.

 

Lelouch vi Britannia, 99th Emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire died at 11am on the 5th of August 2018, killed by Zero with a sword through the stomach. The reign of The Demon Emperor lasted only few months. He is survived by his sister, Nunnally vi Britannia, the 100th Empress of the Holy Britannian Empire.

It is said he died with a smile on his face, in the embrace of his beloved sister.

 


End file.
